26th January

Dear blog,

It has been a while. I'm currently having a headache and I can't focus so much on doing other college things. I've been wanting to let out my bottled emotions for a while but I haven't found the leisure time to do it. But I felt like I still needed to vent out what I feel to put myself at ease. . .somehow. So here goes. . .

I'm trying my best to not text him first this time around.
I'm forcing myself to be patient and wait because if he wanted to talk to me, he would.
I'm trying my best to understand his situation; his "tight schedule", the incessant things he wants to chase.
I'm doing my best not to be foolish.

The last time I called him, I was so heartbroken. I cried after I hung up. I cried because his actions hurt me; again. I'm not sure how many times I have been upset by him already, and we've only been together for not more than two months.

Is it wrong for me to be in need for his attention? To talk to him about my problems? To have him comfort me especially throughout this last tough weeks. Day by day, I've started to notice how he doesn't put as much effort as he did before. And day by day I'm silently praying he


I don't remember what happened that day, or where I was, or what time it was when I wrote that. But reading this again made me re-enact the emotions I have felt. And we are no longer together as of today. It has been a while now. We broke up before study week began. I am now enjoying my semester break holiday, sitting here in the living room of my grandma's house while typing this.

It has been a roller coaster of emotions. Nevertheless I am slowly healing. I had put off this post for a while because I was scared that poking with old wounds would reopen them again.

I'm not sure how to say this but after going through so many failures in love, I have this belief that is slowly embedded in my mind that I don't think someone can love me for who I am. They will grow tired of me, and they will push me away. Truthfully, I have never developed a sense of loving myself for who I am as well. Maybe because of past experiences that led me to believe this, and also because of low self-esteem.

I am tired. I feel like I don't want to try anymore. I don't think I can fall in love again because I am disgusted with myself. I am not worth it. I am not worth to be loved because I don't even love myself. I hate that I am such a selfish person and I hate that I am fat and I hate that I am quiet and that I can't do anything right no matter how many times I've tried and I hate that I am not as smart as others and that I seek so much approval from other people and I hate that I am too dependent on others.

I am not going to start on how it hurts when you built that foundation of trust but then someone decided you are not worth their time anymore.And I hate myself for still hoping. I just don't want to do this anymore.