Dear blog, it's me.
It's Wednesday night and I'm just taking a break from studying for a while. I have a few days left for my next paper so I decided to watch a movie and relax until I get back my studying mood. Also, I have a few thoughts that I wanted to write about. Like Lara Jean, it does help to write down what you feel. I find a lot of similarities between me and LJ. I'm a lot like her in many ways.
So what I've been thinking about lately is how I realized that I've somehow lost myself. I worry so much about things that I cannot control, and that had changed me to be someone that I don't like being. I feel suffocated by my own thoughts. It bugs me every morning the moment I wake up, and it lingers during random times of the day. This was not someone that I wanted to become.
The thoughts were etched in my mind because I was scared. I didn't know what to do. I'm just lost and confused. I was so terrified that the same thing would happen again. I knew it wouldn't solve on its own if I keep letting it bother me. So I prayed. I prayed every day, asking God to make it go away. To make all of this go away. I was not myself anymore. I was becoming helpless.
It didn't hit me at that time, but afterwards I got a sense of realization. The realization that I am not in control. And I will never be in control in these kind of things. No matter how hard I try, I don't have the power to make or not make something happen if its bound to happen anyway. I was so scared of getting hurt that I was blinded by my own fear.
So each time when the same thoughts come to haunt me, I would tell myself: You are not in control. Everything happens with the will of Him. You gotta have faith, and believe that whatever happens is for the best. He knows what's the best for you, and He will grant you what's best for you.
If shit happens, and I'm bound to be hurt again, I hope I won't be scared anymore.
We just gotta deal with it. Just remember shit won't kill you if it tried. You'll come back stronger and wiser.
Now I'm just searching for my old self. I hope I can find her again.
xx
